The greatest victory in Pakistani history

Today Pakistani defeated the might of England.

It was a stab to the heart of the evil empire that conspires to keep the people of Pakistan down.

This was more than a cricket match, this was a struggle between the light and dark sides of humanity, and as we all know, there can be only one winner.

Pakistan won this battle.

They proud men in green had to defeat vicious rumours, global conspiracies, violent opposition players and Michael Yardy.

Other players, less Pakistani, would never have been able to withstand this sort of full frontal attack, but these boys did.

Or, it could be all lies.

Perhaps the English players took money to lose these matches.

This win could be part of the global conspiracy, just another slap in the face.

England could have made money while they laughed at the Pakistanis celebrating, they’re probably still giggling while they check their swiss accounts for the transfers.

They probably did it in conjunction with India, the ICC and the CIA. I bet the Catholic Church was involved too. Maybe Lindsay Lohan.

All part of a global united conspiracy to make Pakistan look stupid.

Ofcourse, Pakistan is winning, and we know what when Pakistan wins, something is up.

Also, if Pakistan lose, something is up.

Assumably if their is a tie or a draw, something is up.

I thought I saw Pakistan win a game of cricket.

But what I really saw was a confidence scam carried out by so many people that even when Pakistan win, they really lose.

The good news is, that when Pakistan lose, they really win.

When the tie or draw, the win, lose and have no result.

If it rains, farmers win.

When there is bad light, everyone loses.

YOU SEE, DO YOU SEE, NOTHING IS WHAT IT IS, EVERYTHING IS SOMETHING ELSE EVEN WHEN IT IS THE SAME OR DIFFERENT.

Maybe Pakistan did win this game of cricket, maybe the global conspiracy let them win this one, maybe they just played better cricket and won the game.

Or, perhaps this world only exists in Ijaz Butts’ mind.

You, I and Nathan Hauritz do not exist, we are merely part of the most detailed nightmare Ijaz has ever had.

It has to be a nightmare, because otherwise there would be more unicorns and leg spinners.

Why the third Pakistan-England ODI was not fixed

The passion in Gul’s awkward celebrations could not be an act.

I believed the original charges against our spot-fixing trio, but the fresh accusations about the third ODI are, in the words of Shahid Khan Afridi, “Absolute rubbish”.

I bought into the original accusations because of the little things: the size of the no-ball; the picture in which Butt was watching Aamir after delivery; the way he was stuttering during the press conference; the way he failed to plead innocent, and most of all Aamir’s slumped shoulders the next day.

This time around, the little things point the other way. I watched the entire match, and I saw the tension on Afridi’s face. I saw it replaced by relief and joy when the match was won. I saw Razzaq’s nerves-of-steel terminator look morph into boyish delight after taking the last wicket. I saw the passion in Gul’s awkward celebrations and the sincerity in his eyes as he looked up at the sky. I heard Shoaib’s laboured grunts and groans in the last over.

All this was not an act. It was a genuine effort, and a genuine win. Anyone who has seen the awkward cellular or ‘Jabardaaast’ Shampoo ads, knows that our players are no where CLOSE to being such good actors.

Now let’s look at more empirical factors. First of all, Haroon Logartshould really make public what the ‘prior information’ was that turned out to be so true and has him so convinced. What point is there in concealing any longer?

In any case, the first rumoured accusation is the slow scoring rate in the early half of Pakistan’s innings. Our openers did not stick around for long enough to control the innings, and the freak way in which Kamran got out, well if he did that on purpose, the man’s a magician.

The majority of scoring was done by Asad and Fawad. Now Asad’s being in this game is a surprise, his debut was a result of the spot-fixing crackdown and resulting suspensions. This negates any theories that the betting mafia had the players in for the deal long before the tour and were proving difficult to get rid off.

As for more recent fixes, well, confidence in Asad’s ability to score-at any rate whatsoever- is something he himself would be short on. I doubt any bookie would place large amounts of money on his skill.

This brings us to the last possible prediction: That the run rate will be around three when Fawad is at the crease. Well you don’t need Nostradamus to predict that. I could write it in a report and it would prove true every match.

Lastly, ECB has been given confirmation that England players and management are in the clear. I normally hate the Pakistani knee-jerk defence of “They are out to get us”, but this is just ridiculous. How can the English players be cleared before the investigation is complete?

England had the match for majority of the time, and rates would have been well in their favor before the collapse. The way their batting order folded caught the attention of even our beloved Ijaz Butt. If that doesn’t raise an eyebrow nothing will.

Investigating a match for fixing, in which the losing side is exempt of suspicion is simply ridiculous.

Gullers wraps Pakistan in brilliance

Pakistan won yesterday and it's quite brilliant you know. On the other hand it isn't too brilliant because I had decided not to post if they lost. 

Yesterday was all about Gullers and his amazing sixer. Oh, it was amazing. So amazing it killed all the amazingness in the Poms and made you remember how amazing Gul can actually be. He seriously can, even though he played like a horrible dabbler for a while. But now it's all over, all of you should forgive him, and watch replays of his fifer against NZ past year to wallow even more in his amazingness. Do it or he might turn to match-fixing if not appreciated. 

"I'm so AMAZINGLY amazing."

Before you drown in Guls's amazingness and get it in your head to blame me for murdering you, let me remind you that there was a cluster of other amusing events too. One of them was of course our very own potty screwball Captain Shahid's dismissal.
It was one of those bedevilling dismissals where you think nothing has happened only to see the batsman heading to the pavilion after a while, and only after a bunch of replays you get the situation. 

On a first impression it seems like another insane brainfreeze on Afridi's part. Maybe he was thinking, "Tralala, see how gracefully I jog to the other end; Cheetah shoes must be watching. Oops, there comes the ball, I'm nearly in but let's not rush things or it will disturb the whole effect of the jog." And then he was out.
But if you decipher the situation you will see how Captain Shahid with his super bionic left eye saw the ball approaching with incredible speed and with proficient athletic skill swung to the right to avoid getting his leg bone crushed. That's 10 out of 10 for skilfully planning ahead.

Other than this, Fawad Alam made a nice contribution and old-codger Razzaq displayed his late cameo abilities again. 241 still looked like a crappy score but thankfully the Pommie batsmen were even more crap and so the Stanis won.
And now all of us will have to watch the next game too because it won't be a deadrubber. You're only allowed to miss deadrubbers and a few T20 games of cricket.

Edit: And now I hear the ICC will investigate the match because of fixing rumours. Horrible, horrible, horrible.

A scandalous confession

A scandalous confession

Shoaib Akhtar is so fast he shakes the confidence of light that it is the fastest thing in the universe© Getty Images

Saturday, September 4th
The events of recent days have brought back some unpleasant memories; memories of an episode in my past of which I am not particularly proud. Since I feel, though, that we are all friends here and since I am fairly sure that none of you work for a tabloid newspaper, I thought it might be cathartic if I unburdened myself.

It happened many years ago, when running around on a hot afternoon still seemed like a good idea. I was playing backyard cricket and with the game at a critical point, I assayed a glorious lofted shot, sending the ball straight over my brother’s head and straight through the glass of our parents' bedroom window.

As you might imagine, there ensued something of an enquiry. My hastily constructed defence rested on the following series of ingenious arguments: 

1. I never done nothing
2. You can’t prove I done it
3. Your proof is fake
4. You’re biased against me
5. The Indian Secret Service made me do it
6. I am very young
7. Okay, I might have done it but I’m not the only person who’s ever broken a window with a cricket ball

Surprisingly, despite the fact that I’d been apprehended with bat in hand and that our next-door neighbour had caught the whole thing on video, I was let off with a gentle talking to and a suspended pocket-money reduction. But I’d learned my lesson and from that day to this, I doubt if I’ve broken that window more than a dozen times.

Sunday, September 5th
It’s Sunday, so it must be cricket scandal day. This whole affair has put the upstanding cricket fan in a tricky position. On the one hand, we want to know what is going on. On the other hand, we don’t want to be seen purchasing a certain publication. Even visiting their website makes you feel rather seedy and warrants a swift deletion of your browsing history. The good news for Pakistan cricketers, though not so good for Premier League footballers, is that the normally sex-obsessed paper’s temporary interest in investigative sports journalism seems to be wearing off.

And the good news for cricket fans everywhere is that the Rawalpindi Express is still chugging along. Good old Shoaib’s misdemeanours seem rather quaint with the benefit of hindsight and there have even been those who suggested that he might have hit Asif rather harder when he had the chance. His run-up has dwindled, he sweats up like a horse having its first canter of the season, but he’s unmistakably a thoroughbred and it was fun to see him blowing Kieswetter away and then blowing him a kiss. Now if he can just get himself fit and not do anything silly…

Tuesday, September 7th
Goodness me, that was dull. A drizzly Tuesday afternoon, a half-empty stadium and the limpest Pakistan batting performance since the last one. Their supporters have had to swallow a lot this week, yet still they journeyed down to Cardiff in the rain to cheer on the men in green. They deserved a spirited performance. Naturally, they didn’t get one.

But my personal lowlight was the interminable, matey post-walkover chat between Ian Ward and Paul Collingwood: England are brilliant; Eoin Morgan’s a genius; you must be very happy, yada yada yada. The problem is that Sky’s ex-pros are perfectly equipped, from personal experience, to deliver in-depth analysis of massive English defeats. When England win, they are forced to grope for superlatives and come across like sycophantic cheerleaders in sensible trousers. 

Mohammad Irfan's tall story can help remedy cricket's summer of shame

Pakistan's 6ft 10in pace prospect could prove a triumph of talent perseverance in an era of cynicism

Mohammad Irfan - Pakistan cricket's latest pace bowling hope towers above team-mates and opponents. Photograph: Asif Hassan/AFP/Getty Images

After a summer ruined by Mr Fix-it and the flannelled fools he preyed on, who do we feel more sorry for? For those beyond the boundary whose faith in clay-feet heroes can be unshakeable even in the worst of times? For stalwarts like Anil Kumble who worry that their legacy is tarnished after long careers that often involved surmounting intolerable pain and adversity? Or for young men and women who dreamt of one day gracing cricket's greatest amphitheatres?

Friday marks the end of the holy month of Ramadan. For Mohammad Irfan, who stands 2.1 metres (6ft 10in) in his socks, it could also be the culmination of the most remarkable of sporting odysseys. A little over a year ago, convinced that his chance had gone, the 28-year-old was working in a plastic-pipe factory. Last month, the Kolkata Knight Riders signed a $75,000 (£48,500) deal with him for the fourth season of the Indian Premier League. Now, with the Mohammads, Asif and Amir, scratched from the one-day side, he could become the tallest man to play international cricket.

In times like this, we need our feel-good stories, and Irfan's is as improbable as they come. The quest for daily bread and the distraction offered by club cricket were his priorities when a website run by Pakistan fans interviewed Nadeem Iqbal, who once shared the new ball with Waqar Younis for the Multan region. During the course of that chat, Iqbal raved about the young giant who played for the Gaggu Cricket Club.

When that information was passed on to Aaqib Javed, working with the Pakistan Cricket Academy, he decided to call Irfan over to Lahore and see what he had. Within months, he had made his first-class debut for Khan Research Laboratories and a haul of 43 wickets in 10 games earned him a place on the fringes of the national set-up.

His village, Gaggu Mandi in Punjab's interior, is once again on the cricket map, more than a decade after injury cruelly snuffed out the career of another tearaway fast bowler. Matthew Engel once poignantly referred to Colin Milburn, his boyhood hero, as "the cricketer we could least afford to lose". Englishmen born a couple of decades later probably think of Ben Hollioake the same way. For me, the words "young talent" and "regret" are forever intertwined with two names, Laxman Sivaramakrishnan and Mohammad Zahid. One could have been as good as Warne if he hadn't lost his way. The other remains the fastest bowler I've laid eyes on, hurling the ball with a ferocity that his back ultimately couldn't withstand.

When you think of Zahid, you think of a World Series game at the Gabba in January 1997. The West Indies won that night, but Carl Hooper, man of the match after a gritty half-century, announced that the quick he'd faced was a "couple of yards quicker than ours". Considering that the Caribbean arsenal still included Ambrose, Bishop and Walsh, it was some compliment.

"The talking point of the night, however, was the storming Australian international debut of stringbean Pakistan pace bowler Mohammad Zahid," said the Wisden Almanack. "In a Test-style confrontation, he captured the Gabba crowd's attention by livening up Lara with speed and lift and eventually snared him with a snick behind. Hooper branded the 21-year-old [he was actually 20] Zahid the fastest bowler he had faced on tour."

But after just five Tests and 11 one-day games, the dream was over . While Shoaib Akhtar, Brett Lee and Shaun Tait soaked up the acclaim that came with breaching the 100mph barrier, Zahid receded into the recesses of our memory. All he has are the flashbacks and when he says that he was a better bowler than Shoaib because he could swing the ball at that pace, there will be at least a handful of us who nod our heads in sympathy.

Irfan is not fast, but his height makes him a dangerous proposition for any batsman. In a recent tri-series in Sri Lanka also featuring South Africa A, his best performances came against the hosts as he exploited the diffidence that many batsmen from the region have against the short ball.

The youngest of five brothers [he also has two sisters], Irfan also played basketball with the army for a while. But it was his ability to propel a cricket ball from Joel Garner-height that first caught the eye. To get to Gaggu Mandi, you take the Lahore-Multan Highway and then turn left at Sahiwal. If you go on another 20 minutes past the village, you reach Burewala, Waqar's hometown.

"I was playing barefoot for the school team in my small village when Miah Shafqat Zahoor of the Gaggu Cricket Club from Gaggu Mandi saw me bowling," said Irfan in an interview with Pakpassion, the website that facilitated his remarkable journey. "I was already very tall back then and he came to me after the game to offer me a place at his club. He told me that they would train me, give me the proper cricket shoes that I needed and play me in their team. Nadeem Iqbal's academy is linked to the Gaggu Club and that's how I got to know him."

With a father as tall as him and brothers who are 6'5" and 6'3", it's probably fair to say that the tall gene runs in the family. But while the bouncer comes naturally to him, it's the ability to land the ball on a spot that makes him a tricky opponent. A right-hander who bowls with his left arm, he gets that natural shape away from right-handed batsmen and the sessions with Aaqib have seen him develop the delivery that shapes back in as well.

He's no speed merchant, and his choice of role model gives some idea of what his methods are going to be like. "Ambrose really caught my attention because he was a tall fast bowler like me," he says. "I've tried to learn as much as I can from watching videos of him."

When he walks out in his nation's colours for the first time, he will find himself part of a battle to restore the game's credibility. But that aside, every ball he bowls will also be a tribute to perseverance and to the likes of Zahid, who walked down the same road not so long ago.

Why the News of the World's Pakistan story was justified

There are four major questions to ask about the News of the World'ssting operation on the Pakistan cricket team.

Q1. Did the paper have prima facie evidence of wrongdoing?

Q2. Was it proportionate to offer so much money to (relatively) poorly-paid and young sportsmen?

Q3. Was the offer couched in such a way that the cricketers were unaware of the gravity of what they were being asked to do?

Q4. Was there a genuine public interest in exposing (alleged) sporting corruption?

So let's consider them one by one. My answers are tentative, and based on informed guesswork, because we do not have the facts. But they are the questions that deserve answers (and, arguably, a little more information from the paper).

A1. Given the nature of rumours about corruption within Pakistan cricket, it's highly likely that the paper's investigations editor Mazher Mahmood did, as he wrote yesterday, receive a tip-off.

He explained that "the crucial extra piece of information... was the nameMazhar Majeed, a millionaire businessman who acted as an agent for Pakistani players" (who also happens to own Croydon Athletic football club).

This sounds straightforward enough, and Mahmood does detail his meetings with Majeed at two London hotels, including (supposedly) verbatim - dare I say ball-by-ball? - accounts of their conversations.

A2. Majeed may be a millionaire, but the players are not. Now, I'd guess that many people would be tempted by £150,000 to do something which, on the face of it, appears relatively harmless.

Tossing down a couple of no-balls is no big deal, after all, though I readily concede that it could have been the thin end of the wedge.

If we accept Mahmood's account, then Majeed was just indulging in a dry run with the no-ball business. He claimed to have fixed a match in Australia and was clearly prepared to fix a Test match.

Again, if one accepts Majeed's statements at face value, £150k was a small sum for him to make. But the pay-outs promised to low-paid players should be seen in a different light.

Though it's possible to argue that the sums given to them would have been disproportionate, I don't think Mahmood or the News of the World could be certain how much each player would receive. So the paper is exonerated on this charge.

A3. We cannot be be sure of how the offer was couched to the players by Majeed. Did they really do it for the money, for instance, or because it seemed like a bit of harmless horse-play?

Even if they were doing it to make money, they may well not have seen it as a form of cheating because there's a supplementary question to ask here: is the climate of corruption so deep within Pakistan cricket that this was viewed as unexceptional?

A4. I like sport and I like cricket. I support Essex and England. I understand the desire to win and the passion it arouses in both players and spectators.

Sport is meaningless if it is fixed because it is, at its heart, all about competition. Otherwise, there is no point to it.

People who do not like sport may well take a different view. They may see it as nothing more than a branch of the entertainment industry and, as such, fixing what happens is no big deal. So where, they might ask, is the public interest in exposing it?

Though I have also grown increasingly cynical in recent years about corruption in sport (such as the use of performance-enhancing drugs), I cannot agree.

I do believe that there is a genuine public interest in exposing sporting corruption (though I readily concede it's less important than, say, political and financial corruption).

All of this suggests, does it not, that I am relaxed about the News of the World's story? Well, on the basis of what we know and can surmise, I am.

Of course, there is much that we do not know and we also have to accept that Mahmood's written account of his meetings with Majeed is entirely truthful and comprehensive. It is possible that there were crucial omissions and also possible that there were other enticements offered to Majeed and the players.

But I always say that journalistic investigations that involve subterfuge and entrapment - as with intrusions into privacy - need to be viewed on a case-by-case basis.

However critical I am of the News of the World and Mahmood for their over-reliance on stings, they do not get it wrong every time. The Pakistan exposure appears to be justified.

Cricket show will go on

Cricket show will go on

The Pakistan team held an emergency meeting after The News of the World reported that a fourth player was being investigated over match-rigging allegations, leading to speculation that they could pull out of the series.

“We are going to the ground for the match and that means the series is on,” Yawar told Geo Super Channel.

The newspaper quoted Pakistan batsman Yasir Hameed as saying that some of his team mates were fixing matches.

Hameed again denied making these allegations, even though the newspaper released a video of the interview with him.

“I was approached by this guy about a deal for sticker sponsorship on my bat. It was a general discussion and I just repeated what had already been published in the News of the World,” Hameed told Reuters.

“I was tricked into this interview I never knew they were recording it which is a serious offence and I am talking to the Pakistan team management about it,” he said.

Test captain Salman Butt and pace bowlers Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Aamir were suspended by the International Cricket Council last week over spot-fixing allegations.

Shahid Afridi, who will captain Pakistan in the one-day series against England, apologized to his countrymen for the damage caused by the scandal.

“Pakistanis passionately love their cricket team and support us. I apologize to them and the rest of the cricket world for what has happened,” he told Geo News channel.

“I can only ask for forgiveness on behalf of Salman, Asif and Aamir.”

Pakistan High Commissioner Wajid Shamsul Hasan told BBC Radio on Sunday that the trio should receive life bans if they are found guilty.

“If the News of the World evidence is correct then I would banish them from cricket,” Hasan said.

Spot-fixing controvery

Afridi apologises for spot-fixing controversy

Pakistan's one-day captain, Shahid Afridi, has issued a public apology on behalf of the three players suspended by the ICC after allegations of spot-fixing during the fourth Test at Lord's. Speaking to the press after the visiting team's training session ahead of the first Twenty20 against England in Cardiff, Afridi also distanced himself from the events of the last week and insisted that his team were focused on the remaining games of their tour.

"I think it is very bad news," said Afridi. "On behalf of these players - I know they are not in this series - but on behalf of these boys I want to say sorry to all cricket lovers and all the cricketing nations."

Afridi also revealed that Mazhar Majeed - the man alleged to be at the centre of the spot-fixing scandal - had accompanied the team on various tours in the past. "This guy has been travelling with the guys in the West Indies and in Australia," he said. "I saw him on the tours. I didn't know anything about this.

Afridi, who took no part in Pakistan's Test series against England after stepping down as Test captain after a 150-run loss to Australia at Lord's earlier this summer also guaranteed that the limited-overs leg of Pakistan's tour would continue despite any further revelations in the ongoing investigation into allegations of corruption in cricket.

"I told the boys don't read the newspapers tomorrow, just focus on cricket. I know the Pakistan people are very upset. We all love cricket. As a team all we can do is to play good, aggressive cricket and maybe when we go back home the things will settle down. It is a big challenge for me as a captain but I think we are all ready and focused.

"Myself and the coach have already told the boys: 'Don't talk about this issue, we are here to play cricket.' It is none of our business and we are here to play cricket. The boys know that. They want to win and motivate themselves - and as a captain, that is what I want.

Pakistan's cricket scandal

Crossing the boundary

The responsibility for Pakistan’s cricketing scandal lies ultimately with the country’s elite

NOT much unites Pakistanis more than cricket. The national game inspires widespread devotion and the national team justified pride. Led by wristy batsmen, like Javed Miandad, and blood-curdling fast bowlers, like Imran Khan, Pakistan has often excelled at the world’s most popular sport after football. Its side has tended to beat India’s, despite its more modest population. In a country suffering devastation from flooding, and long divided by ethnicity, region, religion and sect, which often seems to have little to boast of, or even reason for being, cricket should be a boon.

But Pakistan’s cricketers are advertising much that is wrong with their country. In-fighting (including with cricket bats), drug-taking, feigned injury, allegations of players being coerced into Islamic fundamentalism and other scandals have plagued the national side. But the most egregious involves match-fixing, to which Pakistani cricketers, allegedly including several of today’s crop, seem especially prone.

In the latest case three Pakistani cricketers, including the national captain, Salman Butt, are alleged to have conspired with gamblers to fix parts of recent games against England’s team—a practice known as “spot-fixing”. The allegations, raised this week by a British tabloid, are unproven, but ominous. Three alleged accomplices have been arrested on suspicion of money-laundering and conspiring to defraud bookmakers.

This blight is a symptom of cricket’s mismanagement. Most national cricket boards are manned by unaccountable, often incompetent and overly politicised administrators, ill-fitted to a game that generates billions of dollars. The supremo of its governing body, the International Cricket Council, should have no time to spare for this task. He is Sharad Pawar, India’s agriculture minister. In Asia, especially, many of these officials are also allegedly corrupt or otherwise malfeasant—witness a scandal in the Indian Premier League, the boss of which, Lalit Modi, stands accused of overseeing vast tax evasion.

Cricket is a business that should be managed efficiently and transparently. Those who sully the game should incur stiff penalties—including, if the allegations against them are proven, the latest Pakistanis under a cloud. One of them, alas, is Muhammad Amir, a brilliant 18-year-old, who hails from Swat, which was until last year overrun by the Taliban. This made attending cricket practice difficult and Mr Amir’s achievements even more remarkable. Speaking up for him this week, his former coach, an Australian, called Mr Amir a “shining light of hope”. Yet this beacon, if found guilty, should play no more cricket for a long time, if ever.

That is a necessary tragedy, but Pakistani cricket will not become clean unless its elite administrators do a better job. In cricket as in politics, Pakistan’s problems start at the top, with President Asif Ali Zardari, who presides over its cricket board. With “Mr 10%”—as Mr Zardari is also known because of many (unproven) allegations against him—for a role model, why would Mr Amir not try to make a sly buck?

The game of life

And this mirrors a wider abdication by Pakistan’s privileged citizens. Understandably they are dismayed by their country’s growing reputation as the world’s troublemaker. But, with heroic exceptions, they show little appetite for trying to improve the place. Many prefer to blame their problems on others, ideally America. They also blithely dodge tax—at around 10% of GDP, Pakistan’s tax-collection rate is one of the world’s lowest. In cricket, as in life, Pakistan’s ruling class should recognise that its country’s man-made problems are largely its own responsibility. That would be a first step towards ending them.